Rediscovering Myself

psalm 56-8

He will swallow up death forever; and the Lord God will wipe away tears from all faces.  Isaiah 25:8a

What a comfort to know that someday our Lord will wipe away all of the pain, sadness, and heartache we feel.  Another comfort to me is knowing that Christ himself felt our pain.  He knew what it was like to lose his father, his cousin, and his friend.  We have a Savior who completely understands our pain and is ever with us, even on our darkest days.

One of the most terrifying things I experienced when I lost my husband was not knowing who I was.  I was merely a teenager when I had met and married him.  So much of who I am was wrapped up in who he was and who we were together.  I adored being his wife and a lot of what I did (movies I watched, colors I decorated in, things I cooked for dinner) was because it was what he liked.  When he died, I was faced with a monumental question: Who am I?  Who was I on my own, by myself, without him?  It was something I had to work through, but do you know what I discovered?  I am more or less the same person, even without my husband.  I still have a passion for homeschooling and teaching my children to love Christ.  I still love teaching the ladies at my church in Sunday School.  I still have a heart for missions and the gift of hospitality.  I have changed a few things (like buying a pink comforter and watching chick flicks instead of complicated action films), but the essence of who I am has remained the same.  I am still a follower of Christ.  I am still a blessed mama.  In short, I am still me, just missing a piece of myself.  I am enough because I have Christ, but I will never be whole again in this world.  Ann Voskamp says in her book The Broken Way, “When your identity is in Christ, your identity is the same yesterday, today, and tomorrow.”  She also theorizes that maybe when we’re truly broken, we draw closer to the heart of our Lord because he himself was a man of sorrows.  So draw closer to Him, my sweet friend, and know that you are still you, even though you have lost your partner.  Know that you still have someone to lead you in this world, and even though you can’t feel him sleeping beside you at night, God our Father is a far better leader than even the best husband could ever be.

me and trev wedding


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