Whether you find yourself a single mom due to widowhood, separation, or divorce, it’s unbelievably hard to juggle everything by yourself.  You’re now being mom and dad to your kids while also single-handedly managing getting your kids to all of their activities and picking them up.  A coach keeping kids 20 minutes late at practice is an inconvenience to most parents, but to a single mom, it becomes a nightmare because you probably also need to go pick up or drop off another kid somewhere.  Don’t worry; it’s possible to balance everything, but it does require a ton of mental energy.  Here are some tips on how I manage the chaos. 

1. Keep a planner.

I use a paper planner because it allows me to see a week/month at a glance.  You can use your phone’s calendar.  You can use an app, but whatever you do, plan.  Otherwise, you will most definitely forget important appointments or worse, one of your kids.  You don’t want to get a call saying you forgot to pick up Jimmy from practice. 

2. Each evening, plan for the next day. 

Think about each part of the day and the timing.  What time do you need to pick up your kids from school?  When is their first activity?  When will you cook dinner?  Do you have what you need to cook dinner?  Grocery delivery services are your new best friend.  Last week, I cooked dinner one day at 2:45.  Why?  Because that was the only time I could cook unless I waited until 8 pm.  If I hadn’t figured this out the day before, I would’ve ended up having to buy dinner out. 

3. Ask for help.

Sometimes, there will be conflicts.  You can’t be in two places at once, and you don’t have a husband to help.  You will occasionally have to ask a friend or family member to help.  That’s ok.  A lot of people will be happy to help, if you ask them specifically.  You can also hire someone if necessary.  I had a sweet babysitter at one point, and since she was a college student and stayed up late, I didn’t mind asking her to pick up a kid when he got back really late from a school sporting event. 

4. Mental health days

Occasionally, you and your kids may be a rut.  You may all be tired or stressed.  You may all be arguing.  How do you change it?  Occasionally, scrap your routine activities and go do something fun together.  You could even just get snacks and pizza and stay at home and watch a movie.  The same is true for you.  Go do something for you.  What calms your nerves or brings you a little joy?  A walk with a friend.  A pedicure.  Whatever it is, it’s ok to do something for yourself every now and then. 

5. Take a break

In relation to the previous tip, you sometimes need a break from your kids.  If hiding in the bathroom isn’t cutting it, get a babysitter.  (I’m joking about the bathroom; we all know you have no privacy even in the bathroom.  My teenagers are just as bad about needing me when I’m in the bathroom as my toddler is.)  If finances are tight, find another single mom and trade babysitting.  Maybe you watch her kids once a month, and she watches yours once a month.  Sometimes, you just need company.  Have a friend over with her kids for pizza.  You might feel like you’ve had a break even though your kids are there.  It’s helpful just to have someone to talk to, besides your kids.

6. Paper plates

You have to do enough dishes.  Save yourself an extra load.  Just also be prepared to occasionally invest in 4-packs of forks and spoons from Walmart (for $1.27) because, if your kid throws a plate away, they will also occasionally throw away their silverware.  Because they’re kids, they won’t actually dig it out of the trash.  It’s still worth it.

7. Routine

I can’t emphasize this one enough.  Routines keep things rolling in a single parent household.  If your kids do the same chores everyday, you will still have to remind them to do their chores, but it won’t be shocking to them.  If they know what your routine is to get out the door in the morning or to get ready for a baseball game or bedtime, it will go a lot more smoothly and be easier for you.  Kids thrive on routine.  So do single moms.  My late husband used to tease me about how structured my routines were, but it’s honestly how I survived the first year after his death and kept all the kids taken care of.  Make routines and stick to them.  It’s a big part of managing the chaos. 

8. Don’t neglect your time with the Lord

You are so busy.  It’s easy to put this on the back burner, but don’t.  Staying connected to God is essential.  You can’t exhibit the fruits of the spirit if you’re not abiding in Christ.  It’s really difficult to do if you’re not spending regular time in the Word and in prayer.  This is a lifeline.  Find a time that works for you.  I like to do my quiet time first thing in the morning.  Years ago, when I worked full-time and had young kids, I did it at night after I tucked them in.  It doesn’t matter what time, just as long as you have adequate time to spend reading the Bible and praying.  It might be an hour.  It might be 15 minutes.  Just don’t neglect it.

9. Give yourself grace

Especially after my first husband died, I felt like a failure when I couldn’t do everything I’d done previously.  Of course, I couldn’t; I was also doing everything my husband had done.  You can’t do everything; you’re just one person.  Your house won’t be as clean as you like or your household will feel more chaotic.  You’ll be more tired.  You will occasionally drop the ball and forget something or be late somewhere.  It’s ok.  I used to pick up the house everyday before my husband got home from work.  Now, my older daughter said our house looks like a daycare.  I don’t pick up all my toddler’s toys except to vacuum.  I just move them out of the way at night so I don’t trip over blocks, books, or plastic toy ice cream cones in the middle of the night.  I’m ok with this.  In a few years, she will be able to pick up her own toys.  In the meantime, this preserves my sanity.  It’s good to hold yourself to a high standard, but don’t aim for an impossibly high standard and constantly feel like a failure.  A counselor once gave me great advice – to give myself the same grace I’d give a friend. 

10. Rest

So this one’s tricky because, well, time is scarce when you’re a single mom.  You have to make time.  Put your kids to bed early so you can go to bed.  Then, actually go to bed instead of staying up late and binge-watching TV (or binge-reading.)  Take an evening off or cancel your Saturday plans so you have a minute to catch your breath.  Then, choose to ignore your kids’ toys everywhere and the bundles of laundry in your floor, and just rest.  Do whatever you find relaxing.  This is where you can binge-watch TV or read.  It’s important you don’t burn out because then who’s going to take your kids to all their activities and social calls?  Plus, they can’t have sandwiches for dinner every night.  Rest so you can take care of yourself, your kids, and everything else.

11. Keep snacks in your car

This is important whether you have little ones or teens.  Yes, your car will be a mess of crumbs.  However, your sanity is more important.  Your kids may not even eat the snacks, but just their presence will give your kids one less thing to complain about in the car.  That’s a beautiful thing!

These are just a few suggestions.  Above all, just figure out what works for you and your kids.  Adjust as you need to in each season.  You’re exhausted now, but in a few years, you’ll still be tired but you will realize that you are doing it.  You are doing the single mom thing, and you are actually doing a fine job at it.  Way to go, Mama.  You’ve got this.